The Last Goodbye
by Amajo
Summary: Landon's 'final goodbye' to Jamie.


He could feel the heat of the hot August sun upon him as he walked up the small hill that led him to the cemetary. He looked at the lilac trees as he walked by. Jamie had always loved flowers, he remembered, and smiled softly. Although he had been here numerous times since his dear love's death, this was one visit that he dreaded. The thought of what he was going to do that afternoon almost made him sick to his stomach, but he knew that he couldn't put it up for much longer. This was something that needed to be done, not merely as a formality, but to save his sanity.  
  
Finally, he reached the familiar grave, and kneeled down in front of it, placing the roses that he had brought with him on the ground, leaning against the grave. "Jamie Elizabeth Sullivan," the tomb read. He didn't have to to read the rest of the tombstone to know what it said. He recited it off by heart. "A daughter, a wife ... an angel."  
  
He sighed deeply, and bowed his head down low, closing his eyes. God, this was so hard. Nobody could even begin to understand the hurt and pain that he was feeling at that moment. It felt like she was dying all over again. The thought choked him up, and he felt tears well up in his eyes. Still, he blinked them away. He needed to do this.  
  
"Hi Jamie." Landon Carter placed his fingers on the tombstone, tracing the letters of her name gently with his index. "I know it's been awhile since the last time I came here." He took a deep breath, and bit on his bottom lip. "I have to be truthful -- I haven't had the heart to come. It's been five years, Jamie ... five years since you ..." He stopped. He couldn't say word, the one that represented loss of life. He shook his head instead, knowing that she understood what he meant. Jamie always understood. "At first, I didn't think that I could live without you. Everything was a struggle for me. I couldn't eat ... I couldn't sleep ... I could barely wake up in the morning and find strength to get ouf of bed. Oh, how I wished that it had been me instead of you ... I would have even taken dying next to the alternative of living.  
  
"But then life began getting a little easier, little by little." He paused, his fingers stopping at the word 'angel' with a soft smile. "I didn't love you or miss you less than before, I had just learnt to cope. Everything hurt, but I knew that you wouldn't want me to waste my life. I guess that's why I'm here, dear."  
  
Landon felt a tear escape and trickle down his cheek. He wiped it off quickly, ashamed by his tears. He didn't want Jamie to see him like this. He had to be strong. He took a few deep breaths before continuing on. "I'm in my second year of medical school. Everything is going great. You were right, Jamie -- I could do it, and I am doing it. I've accomplished so much because of your undying faith and loyalty towards me. You're my guardian angel, Jamie, even more so now than you were on earth. I know that you watch over me constantly, always pushing me to succeed. I know I owe you everything. But ..." he choked back a sob.  
  
"I've met someone, Jamie. I didn't intend for anything of this nature to happen. It sort of snuck up on me, really." Tears were rolling down his cheeks freely now. They fell from his cheek and to the grass, the very grass that he knew Jamie's body lay under. He placed his hand on top of the tombstone to support himself from falling. He felt weak. He felt sick. But most of all, he felt guilty.  
  
"I didn't want any of this to happen," he whispered. He took a deep breath, trying to find the will to continue. "She's a girl that I met at the university. A psychology major." There was a sort of bitter irony to the situation that made him let out a slight chuckle, but that was quickly replaced once again by his grieving face. By now, he had stopped crying, but barely. His face was tear-streaked, and his eyes were red. "Her name is Danielle Thompson, and she's nothing like you." He wasn't sure if that was a bad thing or a good thing. He knew that there would never be another girl like Jamie in his life, and hadn't bothered searching for one ... but was he meant to be with somebody who was so completely unlike her that it was stunning?  
  
"You probably hate me. I hate myself." Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks once more, and he leaned his head against the tombstone, sobbing loudly. "I'm so sorry, Jamie."  
  
A warm wind blew, and Landon breathed it in. It smelled of lilacs and fresh air, and he had never been so thankful for a familiar smell. The wind carressed him softly as he let himself be taken by it. Away from here ... away from his problems ... and to Jamie. She smiled at him with her arms outstretched, as if she had been waiting for his arrival. He ran over to her, and took her in his arms, hugging her with such intense passion that he forgot that he possessed. He sighed, happy. She stroked his hair softly, comforting him softly. Words were not needed.   
  
When he went to kiss her, she shook her head softly with a smile.  
  
And that's when he understood her message. She wanted him to be happy. She didn't expect him to mourne her every day for the rest of his life. She understood that he was young and that he still had his whole life ahead of him. She did not want him to waste all of this on a simple memory. That had not been what she was about. Along with many other lessons that Jamie had taught him, she had also taught him to live in the present because the future is always uncertain.  
  
He opened his eyes, and found himself back at the grave site, in front of a lone tombstone. A soft smile escaped him, providing as a contrast to the tears that still fell down his cheeks. He kissed the stone gently, letting his lips linger there for a few moments, before pulling back. He stood slowly, looking down at the grave. He would always love her, that was for certain. This new special woman in his life did not mean that he was going to love Jamie less, or be less devoted to her memory. He would always be faithful to her. But he needed to move on.  
  
"Goodbye, Jamie," he whispered, knowing that it was not a real goodbye, because he would hold her memory within his heart forever. He turned around, and walked back to his car, taking all of his surroundings in. He looked at the lilacs with a boyish grin, and even stopped in front of one branch to examine it. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw the flutter of wings.  
  
A butterfly. A small, multi-colored butterfly was on the edge of the lilac branch. He smiled, his face leaning towards it. He outstretched his finger, and the butterfly landed on it. Enraptured in the butterfly, Landon looked up at the sky and gave it a knowing smile. Jamie was everywhere. Her touch was in everything that he saw; every person, every animal and certainly, every situation. She was his first love, and although she wouldn't be his last, she would be his most treasured. She was the one, no matter what had happened.  
  
The butterfly flew off, and Landon watched it until it was well out of sight. He walked to his car, and got in. Starting the ignition, he felt torn about leaving, but he definately felt better than he had in years after his "talk" with his wife.   
  
Maybe Jamie was right.  
  
Maybe God had intended for all of this to happen. 


End file.
